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Random Thoughts

When I say random I mean random! Ready for a glimpse into my crazy brain! It’s bouncy.

You can’t help others unless you take care of yourself.

It’s hard to be the caretaker of others constantly and this is coming from a caretaker by nature. If you let yourself go too long it’s harder to bring yourself back.

I love to care for others. I get great satisfaction from others needing me. Not sure why, I just do.

When you let that get in the way of taking care of yourself you can get into trouble.

I am not saying this because I am too far gone. I do help myself. I am saying this because a little truth and honesty is needed from time to time. We just don’t get that ever.

I am realizing that with social media these days we only get a small, very positive glimpse into the lives of others. And it’s deceiving. It’s not healthy.

People generally take pictures of happy things, I just wish they were more honest. I want to see a picture of someone with zits and bags under their eyes because that’s real. I don’t want a whoa is me story constantly but truth!

Today I’m happy.
Today im sad.
Today I is a great day.
Today I wish I could stay in bed.

Or is that all too much??? I’m not sure we need to know all of that. There is such a thing as over sharing.

I digress. I guess what I am saying is that I like truth.

Sometimes it’s good to write out your thoughts. It’s healthy to write about what you feel. I like to do that but often filter myself. I often write posts that I don’t publish. Afraid to offend someone or make them feel bad. I avoid hypocrisy at all costs. I am sensitive to others feelings.

I envy those who can speak their mind. My sister and my best friend always tell me to “speak up”, “express your feelings”. I have the hardest time with that. Someday I will do it. Someday I will tell someone when I am bothered by something they have done or said to me. Or maybe not. Maybe I will never be that person. That’s ok I guess.

At my age I am still figuring myself out. It’s a lot of hard work to truly understand who I am. I question everything. I want to be unique but not to the point I am standing out. I want to be original and true to myself. I want to find myself. That’s the journey I am on.

I know the many things I love. The trouble is that I never focus on just one at a time. It’s my goal this year (really the rest if this year and all of 2015) to focus. On myself. And not in a selfish, ignore everyone else, put myself first kind of way. I want to explore this things I love. Share them with my family and friends.

With that said, the randomness is over. It’s the witching hour. The kids are literally going crazy downstairs. It’s shower time, wind down time and clearly they need some assistance. Always the care taker. But I love it! I love them. Even though they are silly, wild boys!

Make it Count

The school year had begun. So much change has happened in the short eight weeks of summer break.

When school ended in June I had a 9 year old and a 3 year old. School started last week and I now have a 10 year old 5th grader and a 4 year old preschooler. And with both kids so much change had happened. It’s like they are growing up right in front of me. I still see a newborn and 6 year old. I feel like I woke up one day and they grew up. While I want to keep them young and innocent I know it’s not a reality. It’s time to let go just a little.

Owen and I had a conversation yesterday about me letting go. Not in those exact words but he asked why he can’t do everything his friends can. For example why can’t he watch The Simpsons or Family Guy? Why can’t he play certain video games like Grand Theft Auto? Why doesn’t he play hockey, baseball, soccer, football, lacrosse and basketball?

What I got out of these questions was not “poor me I am deprived”, which is what I heard at first. It was “mom, I’m old enough now for you to loosen up and let me do things kids my age do”.

I don’t believe in spoiling my children with “things”. We are not trying to keep up with the Jones’. We are who we are and do thugs the way we want to. However I do understand peer pressure and I won’t force Owen to do things or not do things he isn’t ready for.

He is telling me he wants to play basketball and be on a travel team. He is telling me he is embarrassed that he doesn’t watch the shows his friends watch. I hear him. So now what? What do I do? Bend because everyone else is watching these shows? I do believe in compromise. If Owen can show me responsibility and self control I am more than happy to let him watch things like The Simpsons or Family guy. They are funny shows. Maybe a tad inappropriate but truth be told, he hears much worse in school. I know this. So I fold on the show thing. I will give in as long as he shows me maturity.

For the first time in his life he is asking to do something specific. I am all for the travel basketball team as long as his school work doesn’t fall behind. I am happy to help him build up his confidence by doing things he enjoys.

I will not bend on Grand Theft Auto. That game will not come into my house. EVER! He knows this and has accepted it. That game is awful!

At this time in Owens life it is so important to lay the foundation for the rest of his life. I want to teach him to work for what you want. Things don’t just come to you because it’s what you want. Here is where we make it count. I hear you Owen and will help you if you help yourself.

Parenting is THE most important job I will ever have. I am trying to raise decent human beings. At this time in their life they have so many outside influences and it is so hard to teach them the right thing. It is so important to Brian and I that no matter what they hear from outsiders they still come to us for guidance. I know realistically they won’t rely on us for everything but they need to know we are here and can trust us.

As we enter into 5th grade and pre K, I prepare myself for what is to come. So much change is happening in both of them. Luckily I have a little bit of and idea of what we are in for as my niece and nephew are only two and three years ahead of us. Thanks Angie for the prep. ūüėČ I am forever grateful!

I have my game face on. With all the wonderful moments and situations that come with having a pre teen boy, I will be ready! Screaming on the inside, calm and collected on the outside. We got this!!!

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Note: I started writing this post on Monday. I was interrupted and forgot to come back to it. It is usually how I do most things.

Happy Mothers Day to all my favorite mommies! Especially my mom and my mother-in-law. Two very special ladies that I am so grateful to have in my life. I didnt get to spend the day with them but they were with my all day in my heart.

I am so lucky to have my mom. The relationship I have with her and my sister is so special and I treasure it more than they know. My mom is my best friend. She is THE nicest person I know. I am sure every person that knows her would agree. She always makes people feel welcome and comfortable. I learned how to be the person I am today from her. Not from her telling me how to be, but showing me how to be. She doesnt realize but I remember way back when I was a teen and her telling me how to treat people and at the time it went in one ear and out the other. Words are useless if there are no actions to back them up. She lead by example. Her actions taught me to be kind and compassionate. There has not been a single moment in my entire 32 years that she has not been there for me. I know its what moms are supposed to do but she does it so well. As I get older I need less and less but just knowing she is there is always comforting. I know I can make a phone call and she would be here in a second. Well actually two hours but she would come!

My other mother. Mom Deb! She is pretty incredible as well. I came into this family 14 years ago and have felt like I fit ever since. I consider myself very lucky to have the relationship with her that I do. I can pretty much say anything to her and there is never a judgement, always compassion, and she forever tells me and my sisters-in-law how great of a job we are doing. We are so lucky to have her. Their is not a holiday or event that goes by that I don’t receive a card in the mail. My mother-in-law is very thoughtful. I’m lucky to have her in my life.

As a mom I look back at my relationships with my parents and realize just how hard it must have been. My sister and I turned out just fine. My husband and his brothers turned out just fine. I am sure my boys will turn out just fine. We are all just fine. It makes me think I can worry less because my kids will be great. However that is not a reality.

When my kids say something that I have never heard before I cringe because I know there is this whole other world out there that teaches them things I wish they would never know. I can’t keep them with me forever. I can’t keep them locked in a bubble. Well I don’t think I can legally. If I could I would.

I am on this incredible journey of raising two little gentlemen. These curve balls keep coming at me 90 miles an hour. Im catching them one at a time. I will get through this game one inning at a time.

Wow, baseball metaphors. I need to get more estrogen in my life.

Reality

I have been slapped in the face with reality. Sometimes I like when this happens and sometimes I wish I could go back to living in my own little bubble. This is one of those good realizations but it just came about in an awfully tragic way. Why is it that awful things have to happen for us to remember what is important? I wish it wasn’t that way.

Yesterday I was seeing pictures of this adorable little red headed boy named Ryan in my feed on Instagram. I was curious so I followed the link to a blog named Diary of an Addict. A post titled “Red Balloons for Ryan“.

The loss of a little life is always hard to read. It is especially hard when Ryan is the same age as Shane. Accidents happen every day. If I could hold on to my kids and lock us in a bubble I would.

I can not imagine what this family is going through. I try to imagine and all I can do is hug my boys and never let go.

Which made me think. I spent the morning annoyed because I was nagging Owen to get dressed, yelling at the boys to stop fighting, wishing I could have gotten ten more minutes of sleep. Why? Is sleep more important than spending time with my kids? I should be grateful that Owen is here for me to nag. That Owen and Shane are here to fight. I am grateful for every second I have with them.

I decided that in honor of Ryan and his parents, I am going to put my phone down, be present and appreciate the time I have with these boys. My family is so important to me. They are my world. If something happened to one of them I don’t know what I would do.

Ok. Time for me to go play hide and seek with Shane.

#redballoonsforryan

Sick Day

Being a Stay at home mom is an amazing thing. I can focus fully on raising my kids, never missing a moment in their lives, being here form them anytime they need me. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not grateful that I have been able to be with them. That’s not to say I don’t have those moments I think a job out of the house would be so much easier and enjoyable. Then there are days like this, sick days.

Owen woke me up at 11 last night saying he had a stomach ache. The boy is NEVER sick. I think he has been sick three times in his life. I am not exaggerating. So initially I gave him a kiss and tucked him back in. Back to bed I went. Just as I snuggled in he was back at my bedside. I could tell he was hurting. I knew it would be a long night. He has two beds in his room so I planned on bunking next to him for the night. The kid was hurting. Moaning, rolling around and then it came. Throw up. Loud, violent dry heaves. My poor guy was so sick. He and I quickly came down stairs and slept in the spare room so we wouldn’t disturb the other two sound asleep.

I am crate training Marshall. He cries in his crate all night. So this night he caught a break. Bella too. I didn’t want her to feel left out.

Owen, Bella, Marshall and myself slept not so soundly in the spare bedroom.

There was never that feeling of panic when you you realize you have to get some sleep because you have to get up and go to work. Or panic because you have a big meeting on a Monday morning and realize you have to stay home with your sick kid. Then another wave of panic because you realize not only are you taking time off for your child but you will most likely get what he has next. I have been there. It caused me great anxiety.

While I am exhausted from being up all night, now spending the day tending to the sick boy, tending to the three year old who is pretending to be sick like his big brother, cleaning pee and poop from an unpotty trained puppy all day long, I am grateful that I am able to be here.

Its going to be a long day but I am setting very low expectations. They go like this…shows, cuddle kids, dishes, cuddle kids, laundry, cuddle kids.

Wish me luck!

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I copied this pic from a Huff Post article

I figure since I live with three boys I can talk about toilets freely.

I just finished cleaning my upstairs bathroom. Sometimes it gets overlooked as we are rarely upstairs and when we are its doing bedtime things. I go in at night and realize I meant to clean it but its 9pm and well, I am not going to scrub the bathroom at 9pm. The problem with this bathroom is no matter what I do it smells like a boys bathroom in an elementary school. ALL. THE. TIME.

While cleaning it today I found pee on the wall across from the toilet (Shane), pee on the wall behind the toilet and on the floor (Owen) and pee on the seat (Owen and Brian). Yes, I know who pee’d where. Sad but true. I keep lysol wipes in there so I can do a quick clean every day or two. But an actual deep clean? I get scared.

No amount of bleach (which I hate using) gets rid of that smell. An air freshener helps until we get used to the smell. I tried the vinegar and baking soda around the bottom of the toilet. I guess I just have to accept the bathroom is stinky and will be until the boys are grown and out of the house and I train Brian to wipe the seat when he is done. 

I know I am not the only person with this problem. 

ok, rant done. 

I love the month of March. For many reasons. I know Winter is almost over, daylight savings begins, random warm days, buds on trees, my bright fake flowers that I bring out from storage but most importantly its the month I met my husband and my whole world changed. We don’t remember exactly which day of the month it was but we know it was the month of March that we met 14 years ago.

I am pretty sure it was love at first sight. If not we were both definitely intrigued. Within a month of meeting we were best friends. I honestly feel so lucky that I have him in my life. I was 18 years old. We were both young and stupid. We have made it through 14 years of changing. I am pretty impressed with us and our ability to evolve with each other. We balance each other out. Together we are the perfect human.

Another reason this month is special? We will celebrate out 10 year wedding anniversary. On March 27, 2004 we were married and celebrated with our friends and family. It was a family affair. Both of our families were involved in the process. My brother-in-law made our cake, my mother made my bouquet and the bridesmaids flowers. It was a day to celebrate two joining families.

Ten years later so much has changed. Two kids, two dogs, and a life I wouldn’t change for anything.

I know it sounds silly but I was sad last week when we had to buy a new blender and tea kettle. They simultaneously broke. I know those things don’t last forever and they are only things but they also represent the start of our journey together as a married couple. Cheesy I know but its how my brain works.

We never got the chance to take a honeymoon. I am OK with that. That’s not to say I don’t look forward to the day we get to. I always imagined doing it for our ten year anniversary. With two boys and two dogs its next to impossible to arrange a week away in the Caribbean alone. Truth be told, I would miss those guys too much. Maybe ten years from now we will have the honeymoon we never had. Maybe even a vow renewal.

I am ashamed to admit I barely remember saying my vows or what I said. Marriage means so much more to me today than I did in 2004. I know what it is and what it takes to make it work. I imagine I will be a bit wiser in 2024. At least I hope so!